Archive for the ‘Addictions’ Category

Tell St Peter at the Golden Gate
That you hate to make him wait
But you just gotta have another cigarette

~Willie Nelson Smoke!Smoke!Smoke!

They say that the first step in overcoming addicition is admitting that you are addicted and powerless over the substance of choice. Fine, I’m addicted to nicotine. Satisfied?

The problem is that I have no trouble at all admitting that I am addicted and the cigarettes control me more than I control them. The problem is that I’m not really unhappy with this situation. I like my cigarettes. I don’t want to quit smoking.

 Oh yeah, I KNOW I should. I’ve read and experienced all kinds of evidence for that. But I don’t wanna. And you can’t make me, so buzz off, please and thank you.


cigarettes, cigarillos

Barbara Gavin-Lewellyn  


Read Full Post »


href=”“>Bless the beasts and the children
The Carpenters

There are so many ways we can abuse so much in this world. We can even abuse the planet itself as Al Gore has pointed out in his Academy Award winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth. I am not a Christian, I have made that very clear on several occasions in my Blogs but I believe the myths human beings tell to explain their occupation of this planet are powerful. The Christian creation story has a compelling message that I think that Christians and non-Christians alike can take a valuable lesson from regarding our role as stewards of this planet and its inhabitants.

I am going to use the King James 1611 Bible because I love the majesty of the Elizabethan Language. I don’t think it makes much difference which translation you use. This part of the story of “In the beginning…” is pretty clear.

1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. 1:30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. 1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. 2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2:2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

This story is centuries old. It was almost certainly passed along as an oral tradition long before it was ever written down and there were many versions before it was recorded in this beautiful 16th century iambic pentameter. The main point that I want to dwell on here is that HUMANS have DOMINION over everything else in the world.

Dominion. That’s a strong word to use. We were to dominate or rule over all the animals and all of the fishes in the sea and the fowl that flies and all the creepy crawly things too.. We have complete charge of everything else in the world. The creator god gave it all to us. If you believe in this creator God I don’t see how you can fail to believe that you have been commanded by God to take care of his creation.

If you are a disbeliever perhaps you could take a moment to reflect that these supposedly primitive people back in the dark recesses of time recognized that it was OUR duty to take care of this planet. They believed that an almighty force, a supernatural being they believed to be the creator of everything around them, gave THEM the power to rule over everything. They recognized their status as the beasts highest on the food chain and understood the moral responsibility that that implied. Can we do any less?

Taking care of this planet and ALL OF ITS INHABITANTS, right down to the most seemingly insignificant species of fly in the muckiest marsh in the backwoods of nowhereville is essential to our own well being. This is it, folks, this is all we’ve got. This planet and its inhabitants depend on us to be good stewards. WE MUST STOP THE ABUSE!

Each of us can stop the abuse by choosing our own particular interest and taking a proactive part in being good stewards. Humananity has been thoughtless and cruel for far too long. There are many, many causes that need to be taken up and battles that need to be fought. You might find the destruction of our rain forests to be particularly reprehensible or you might have issues with substance abuse in your life or you might want to take up the cause of making sure that everyone spays and neuters their pets. There is something for everyone to do.

I have a particular interest in preventing child abuse. How do you prevent child abuse? You can make a determined heroic promise that you will never ever abuse a child and I will truly believe that you would never WANT to do that. But if you were abused as a child I would bet that the odds are better that 50/50 that you will abuse your own child in some way, shape, or form if you do not seek professional help.

Don’t believe me? Check the statistics on the ‘net.

I did. I hate the fact that I did. But I did.

I hit my children when I was angry. I said terrible things to them. Things that no mother should ever say to her babies. Eventually it got so bad I HAD to seek professional help because I was horrified by my behavior. I was horrified but I couldn’t stop. I was out of control.

I had to admit that I needed help if I was going to to end the cycle of abuse. If you are a parent who is in the position I was in, please, seek help. You can get help through your local Child Welfare Services, Domestic Abuse Crisis Lines or family doctor. The professionals you turn to will understand. You will not be punished and your children will not be taken away from you if you come forward. YOU are NOT a bad person but your behavior can and must change.

If you were abused as a child but don’t have children yet, PLEASE, seek professional help. Not only for your own sake, for the sake of your future children.

If you see a child being abused or know of a family where children are being abused DO SOMETHING. The child abuse hotline is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4253) You can also help by getting involved in Child Abuse Prevention organizations

Make a decision to stop the abuse. Choose Hope.

Bless the beasts and the children
For in this world they have no voice
They have no choice

Bless the beasts and the children
For the world can never be
The world they see

Light their way
When the darkness surrounds them
Give them love
Let it shine all around them

Bless the beasts and the children
Give them shelter from a storm
Keep them safe
Keep them warm

Light their way
When the darkness surrounds them
Give them love
Let it shine all around them

Bless the beasts and the children
Give them shelter from a storm
Keep them safe
Keep them warm

The children
The children

Read Full Post »


Tomorrow is the big day. BlogCatalog intends to make history with bloggers around the world Blogging for Hope and against abuse. The Guiness book of Recoods is at stake here. And you can win a prize!

To be a part of this just grab a logo, link to blogcatalog and write about stopping abuse. Substance abuse, animal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse. Republican abuse ;^>. Whatever stikes your fancy. I’ve got my entry written and ready to roll. you can read it here tomorrow. Write on everyone.


Read Full Post »

Today would have been Ridchard LeRoy Vickrey (Skip) Lewellyn’s 57th birthday. He died in June of 1999 in a tragic accident at work. Too young, too young…

He used to call me up when he was drunk and this song would be playing in the background:

I Will Always Love You
Dolly Parton

If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so Ill go, and yet I know
That Ill think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you
I will always love you
Bitter-sweet memories
Thats all I have, and all Im taking with me
Good-bye, oh, please dont cry
cause we both know that Im not
What you need
I will always love you
I will always love you
And I hope life, will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh, I do wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
I love you, I will always love

I, I will always, always love you

I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you

Once when he came to visit me or I went to visit him, it’s been so long ago I don’t recall exactly, he rented “ (more…)

Read Full Post »

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette
Puff, puff, puff until you smoke yourself to death.
Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate
That you hate to make him wait,
But you just gotta have another cigarette.

Merle Travis for Tex Williams 1947

Boy, you take a couple weeks off from house work in a construction zone and things sure go to hell in a big way. You would not believe the dust and grime all over everything. I’ve been cleaing but as soon as I get it cleaned up it’s dirty again it seems! YUCK!

I’m still in my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) phase of moving furniture around albeit in a much slower mode than would have taken place at an earlier point in my life. Getting old and decrepit is sure discouraging. Today I decided that the bookcase had to come live in the bedroom with the desk and we’d (me and the mice in my pockets plus Patches, the cat, and the books and one of my spider plants) all be much happier.

I got it moved but I still haven’t got the bedroom floor vacuumed and the popcorn I spilled two days ago is going to become a permanent part of the decor if I don’t get at it ASAP. I still don’t know what to do with the milk carton of computer books. :^? This room just isn’t big enough to accommodate it. I need a bigger bookcase. They are on sale at Shopko but I don’t have the funds. Bummer. Plus where in heck is the printer going to go?

Sitting here at the computer, I am procrastinating getting at the rest of the housework and/or sitting down at my sewing machine and finishing that dress I started a month ago. I washed 3/4 of the dishes this morning before I had my coffee but the pans are still sitting there and I’m just not motivated. I finally got that invisible zipper in right last weekend and now I have to figure out what in heck they are doing with the pockets. This is a strange pattern. More complicated than it looks and I’m not used to reading pattern speak anymore.

A couple of days ago I was prompted to do something physical by the intellectual stimulation of the first chapter of Weston’s book. I needed to digest what I had read so I scrubbed the kitchen floor. My gawd, the filth on that tiny few square feet–I’d guess it’s maybe 5’X6 or 7′. The grit and grime thrown up by the construction on the street is just incredible. My keyboard is literally gritty and I’ve cleaned it several times.

To think I’m breathing this crap. Ugh… My throat is more irritated than usual this time of year what with ragweed in bloom and the molds that are inevitable when we have lots of rain and humidity. Plus there are some kind of trees that I’m allergic to that are pollinating and the grasses. I forget which ones. I had those allergy tests so long ago. Post nasal drip and the gunky crap that I wake up every morning and hack up is gross.

But it’s not as bad as it was when I was smoking. I was allergic to tobacco, too. But that didn’t stop me from smoking, addict that I was. I need to be honest here. I occasionally have a cigarette with friends. I buy them for 50 cents apiece. I like smoking. It’s a pleasurable way to relax for me. But I notice with the Chantix that I don’t get the nicotine kick from it. Which is good. I wish I could find a non-nicotine smoke that I enjoyed besides whacky tobaccy. Maybe I should try cloves.

Thank gawd for Chantix. I don’t think I could have managed to quit as easily as I have without it. I don’t go roaming the halls looking for someone to buy a cigarette from with a gotta have it need. I should just say NO MORE. I worry what I will do when I have to go off of the medication although I have been weaning myself off already and don’t have any cravings to smoke most of the time.

Sometimes I do. When I get frustrated over some piddling little thing like not being able to get that zipper in but then I’ll go and do something else and the urge passes without any great crisis and I’m fine. I can live without cigarettes. The true test will be a big emotional crisis. That’s where I’ve always fallen back on the cigarettes. I need to have a plan in place for that eventuality. Ben and Jerry’s and a hypnosis tape might help. A phone call to my best friend. Writing. Those are all good substitutes.

I’m proud of myself for having come this far. I’ve gone two or three weeks at a time without those social cigarettes so I know I don’t need them. They’re like chocolate to someone on a diet. I cheat. I flirt with addicition knowing that I’m only a pack away from being a full-fledged smoker again. It’s silly really.


Read Full Post »

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Gary Shandling

I got the most absurd call last night or the night before last. It was from this guy who gave me a ride home from a couple of the meetings at the Quit Smoking Clinic over on Monroe. He was nice enough but the meetings just made me want to come home and buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke my brains out. Really.

Sitting around with a bunch of people who weren’t doing as well as I was because they weren’t taking this new medication Chantix was crazy making for me. They were all talking about how much they craved cigarettes and what they were doing to overcome their cravings and I’d go home and have hours of false labor pains craving cigarettes. Eff that shit. I quit going.

So this Dave guy calls me last night. I recognized his voice right away and even put a face to his name but I couldn’t remember when and where I had met him or what his last name was. We talked for a few minutes and I easily realized where I knew him from when he started talking about “meetings” but he finally admitted he didn’t know who in hell I was so I helped joggle his memory.

Seems he was calling my number because it was in his telephone and he had been trying for months to put a face to my name. Well that was OK. I can see why he might do that.

But then he said “Yeah, I thought you were cute. Maybe we should meet up at one of these meetings and go have coffee later. UGH.

‘ I thought ‘Man on the Make. Desperate man in heat, no less. No thank you, goodbye.’

I think I was kind of blunt and not all that tactful. I told him I really wasn’t interested, thank you anyway and I didn’t really have time to talk because I was expecting a phone call. I guess I am just not interested in men at all right now, thank you.


Read Full Post »

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Scott Adams (1957 – ), ‘The Dilbert Principle’

Last night or I should say very early this morning I finished sewing up that tie dyed butterfly bock print maerial I just had to have from Hancock Fabrics out at Westgate Mall. I’m pleased with the way it turned out but it turnned out to be a much more complicated project than I ever envsioned and took about ten times as long as it should have.

First of all I choes the most complicted patterns for the tunic and skirt I could possible have chosen. Why? I’ll be damned if I know. They just looked so “kewl” when I was looking at the patterns an I got grandiose and decided I could deal with that. And I could but it was a struggle and it wasn’t all that enjoyable. The skirt alone has eight pieces and I’m not talking about gores, I’m talking about pieces that make interesting flattering asymmetrical lines that go together like a jigsaw puzzle. The tunic is nearly as riidiculous. Note too self: try to use some sanity when you choose patterns.

Another huge probelm was that the fabric shrank when I washed it. Thank goodness I didn’t skip that step because it would have been a dissastor iif I had. When I went to cut the pattern out I didn’t have enough material for the entire outfit. So I had to punt and “rob Peter to pay Paul.” Luckly I had some royal blue that went with the tie dyed fabric nicely. The project it was meant for will simply have to wait or better yet, I’ll punt again.

At any rate, once I got all these peieces of fabric cut out, seing them togethr seemed like a daunting task, I kep hearing Mrs Gardner and my Mother telling me my seams weren’t straight enough or precisely 5/8 of an inch from the edge of the fabric and that that point where the two different colors of fabric met wasn’t crips enough. It really took awhile to tell them to STFU and go sew their own stuff perfectly. I am an adult and if I can live with my perfections it’s none of theri damn business.

My gawd, I’m 54 years old and this shit is still playing out in my head, paralyizing me. I really need to get over it already. Eventually I do because I did get this project done but lord gawd the fear of screwing it up was intense for awhile.

Now see, I don’t have that fear when I do things that are typiclally thought of as guy typpe things. I’ll pund hole in the wall and hang shelves with abandon. When I drove, I changed my oil and tires by myself and kept track of transmission fluid and water levels with no problem and complete self-confidence that I was perfectly capable of doing these things by myself. No agita as my new freind MomtoGoats (Mindy) at the Delphi Forum Poll Vault would put it.

Agita is my new vocabulary word for the week. It’s italian aand means acid indigestion. I love it!

Now that I’ve gotten it done, I’m pleased with it and I think I’ve done a creditble job. Not quite up to Mr’s Garner or my Mother’s standards but certainly good enough. I’m happy with the finnished product znd that’s what counts most here.

I’m planning to wear my new outfit to tonight’s Rythm & Booms! show down at the Memorial Union. You couldn’t pay me me to go to Warner Park where the close up and persoal fireworks display is. Supposedly Rythm &Booms is the biggest fireworks disply in the midwest and it draws huge crowds. Even at plaes like the Union which is across th lake from Warner Park. I took the kids there when Madiso first started biling itself as the biggest and the best back in th 80s and even back then the traffiic mess trying to get home was such a hassle we decided to stick with the small town displays. If we planned carefuly we could see three different sets of fireworks.

My son is coming over today to help me put up a shelf in the closet and move my computer desk into the bedoom. Soon in fact.


Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: