My daughter’s favorite meal is Beef Bourguinon (AKA Beef Burgundy) and she has a good recipe for it. We made it together for our Holiday meal in December.  After making some beef stock last week, a process that took 3 whole days plus some, I made some for her for dinner Thursday night.  It was excellent, if I do say so myself.

I didn’t use her recipe though.  I started reading recipes at Cooks.com and realized there are probably as many recipes for Beef Bourguinon as there are cooks.  Besides, I’ve never met a recipe I didn’t think I could improve one way or another.  I love to tinker in the kitchen and I tend to consider recipes more like suggestions rather than prescriptions.  I’ve had some spectacular mishaps over the years but for the last 20 years or so, I’ve gotten the hang of improvising and I’ve become a good cook.  Or so I’m told.

For me, cooking is a labor of love and as I cook, I anticipate seeing the pleasure on the faces of the people I am feeding.  It helps if they make appreciative noises while they are eating, too.  I love feeding people who smack their lips, lick their fingers, and moan when they eat the food I prepare.  And the ones who eat a lot if they really enjoy what they are eating.  My son-in-law is one of my biggest fans and because he has a very physical job and works out daily, he can put away a lot of calories.

Kerryn (my daughter) doesn’t add the tomato or celery (she doesn’t like the texture of celery but I learned years ago to mince it and saute it w/the onions and garlic before adding it  to  soups and she doesn’t even realize it’s in there unless she’s told it is)   and I don’t think she marinated the beef.  This is labor intensive but well worth the effort.

Boef Bourguinon (Beef Burgundy)

Add the following to a large glass or __ bowl and mix together

2-3 pounds beef chuck roast cut into 1-1 1/2 inch cubes
4-6 medium or 2-3 large onions roughly chopped into small chunks
2-3 stalks of finely minced celery*
2-4  cloves garlic smashed and coarsely minced (more if you like garlic)
1 tsp salt
6 peppercorns coarsley cracked w/a mortar & pestle or several cranks of a pepper mill
1 bay leaf
1-2 tsp dry thyme or 2 Tbsp fresh thyme
large pinch or two of rosemary

*can substitute 1 tsp celery seed

combine and pour over the contents of the bowl:

1 cup Burgundy or other dry red wine
2-3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 cup warm water
3 Tbsp olive oil

Marinate for at least 2 hours and up to overnight in the refrigerator. Drain through a sieve and reserve the liquid contents.  Add 1/8 cup of all-purpose flour to the beef mixture and stir well.

Melt 3-4 Tbsp butter or if you have it, bacon drippings (adds yummy flavor) in a large stock pot over medium high heat.  Add the beef, vegetables, spices and flour and cook until the onions and celery are starting to  become translucent.  Add 2 cups (or more)  of sliced mushrooms and continue to cook until they are wilted and have released their liquid

Add:

3-4 cups hearty home-made beef stock
reserved marinade liquids

Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to a simmer, and cook covered for at least two to three hours.

One hour before serving add:

1 Tbsp quick cooking tapioca
4-6 carrots peeled and sliced
6-8 small unpeeled red or Yukon gold potatoes quartered
1 can tomato paste or 1 cup tomato sauce

Bring it back up to a slow boil then reduce to heat to low.

Just before serving add:

2 Tbs fresh chopped parsley

This can be done in a crock pot.  Add the carrots, potatoes, and tomato paste to the stew meat and vegetables 2 hours before serving and cook on high.   Or if you don’t mind your vegetables being well done, do it the lazy way and add it when you start the beef cooking.

I cook by taste and adjust all the seasonings according to how my taste buds respond to the ingredients in the pot so that’s why the amounts are approximate.

Serve this with a nice leafy green salad and fresh home-made bread and you have a meal fit for a king.  I made an artichoke heart, strawberry, spinach  and lettuce salad dressed with a white Balsamic Infusion.  It was so good, my daughter confiscated the Balsamic stuff and a couple of servings of the Beef Burgundy.

This week I am making split pea soup for my son, grandson, and  son-in-law.

The first thing their automated voice messaging program asked me when I got that far–another 15 minutes–was if I had rebooted both the modem and my PC.  Well, of course not.  Why would I think of doing something that simple?  Of course that was the solution.  sigh…

I am currently listening to Pandora Radio via my television while I play Bridge on my PC.  I love it.  When I feel up to it I will figure out how to configure Netflix and watch a movie.  Tomorrow.

January is  National Soup Month and the 15th is National Soup Day so I started a batch of beef broth for soups, stews and gravies yesterday.  Homemade beef broth is sooo much better than the canned stuff.  Your family’s taste buds will thank you for this homey cold weather treat and it’s good for the rest of your body.  Check out this article at LivingStrong.com for information about the benefits of simmering a stock pot of bones for several days.

Yesterday I scored 13 pounds of grass-fed beef bones  for $2.00 a pound at the Dane County Farmer’s Market which is held on the Capitol Square in Madison during fair weather.  It  moved to the Madison Senior Center at 330 West Mifflin on the January 7th.  Lucky me!  It’s right next door across the back courtyard of my building.  Actually it’s in the same building but I have to go outside to get there.

Mostly I got the bones for my dog because a good raw beef marrow bone a couple of times a week keeps his teeth clean, gives him some good nutrients such as calcium  and make him a happy camper gnawing on his bones.  These are lovely meaty bones too.  It would be a pure shame not to make myself some good broth from them.  The vendor is:  Fountain Prairie Inn and Farms.  You have to ask for the soup bones and pre-order them so they can bring some to the next market for you because they usually don’t have them on hand at the market but somebody failed to show up for their bones so they called me and made me very happy.

They serve a great breakfast every Saturday at the Senior Center Market and the room is crowded with vendors selling and buyers buying everything from frost-sweetened spinach to Chocolate Fire cookies.  I can vouch for the yummy cookies w/a subtle peppery bite but I don’t like mature spinach, frost-sweetened or otherwise.  It tastes too green.  I’ll wait for the baby spinach in the spring.  I also got half a free range chicken for $2.99 a pound.  Can’t wait to cook it.

So, here’s my recipe for beef broth.  I’m not a purist who just boils up some bones and beef.  I add vegetables, the holy trinity or what the French call mirepoix also known as aromatics. (3 stalks of celery, 4 medium or two large onions,  and 3 good-sized carrots (do not peel) cut into 2 inch chunks, ) 3 large cloves of garlic (smashed and roughly chopped) and some spices (a bay leaf, some rosemary, and thyme (a 1/2 tsp of each give or take of dried spices a full tsp or more of fresh) and about a tablespoon of chopped parsley), salt to taste, a few cracked peppercorns, a dash of red wine vinegar (less than 1/8 cup.  This leaches the minerals out of the bones) and a cup or so of a hearty red wine (Burgundy is the best for taste but cheap old cooking wine will suffice) to a pound of stew meat and one to three pounds of bones or more depending on how meaty they are.  In case you haven’t figured it out I really don’t measure any of this, I just do it by feel.  Later I taste and add more of whatever I think it needs it.  If I have some mushrooms around that are on the verge of going bad, I’ll add them.  Ditto for parsnips and rutabagas.

First I drizzle some good olive oil on  the beef, bones, and vegetables and roast them in my cast iron skillets (using cast iron ensures good caramelization and adds iron to the stock when I deglaze the skillets after the roasting is done) in a hot oven (400*), turning them occasionally  until they are caramelized  a rich dark brown.  Then I put that and all the other stuff into a big stock pot and add water until the bones are covered by a good inch.  Bring it to a simmer on medium high heat and then lower the temperature to simmer and let it cook for at least 3 days stirring occasionally.

I’m around all the time so it doesn’t matter if I have a pot simmering on the stove but for safety’s sake you can do this in a large crock pot. Stir it periodically and add more water if need be to keep the bones covered.  Then drain it through a fine mesh strainer into a container large enough to hold it, pour a couple of cups of plain boiling water over the mess in the strainer to leach out the rest of the goodness and then throw away the bones and stuff.  There you have it, rich delicious beef stock.

You can reduce/condense it by putting it back onto the stove to simmer until some of the water has evaporated so it will take up less space.  When it has cooled a bit, pour it into some nice pasta sauce jars you have washed and saved and store it in the refrigerator.  When it’s cold you can scrape most of the fat off the top.  You should have at least 2 quarts if not three or more.  Stock can be frozen for up to three months.  I use plastic for freezing.  Be sure you leave some space for expansion in your container.

Next, my daughter’s recipe for beef burgundy stew since I bought that big ol’ bottle of burgundy.

To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die.

- Thomas Campbell

I didn’t exactly make a New Year’s resolution to start writing in this blog again but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.  I really should; I have so much to say.  <hehehe> So here we are already three weeks into the New Year and a post is born.

My daughter was here last week and somehow we got onto the subject of how people who live here or their relatives dispose of their stuff when they leave to go into a assisted living, nursing home or the funeral parlor.  There are often this building’s version of a garage sale.  A notice is posted on the bulletin board that such and such an apartment is having a moving sale and the apartment is opened up for a couple of days for the browsers and bargain hunters.  Sometimes there is a notice that if you need something, come have a look see and it’s yours for the taking.

That’s how I got some bowls and plates my daughter was admiring (and that’s how this conversation got started).   That’s what I want to happen to my stuff when the time comes.  Not that I’m planning on going anywhere soon but when you get to my age and have the health problems I have, AND you live in a building where more than half the residents are Senior Citizens who are moving on to somewhere else with alarming frequency you think about these things.

So I told Kerryn that she and her brother should take what they want and give the rest of it away.  Of course that got us started on a walk down menory lane as we glanced around my apartment and she pointed out some things that had sentimental value to her.  That reminded me of the most important thing I have that belonged to my Grandmother.  My kids have heard the story about the nearly 100 year old bird of paradise milkweed pod I have carefully drug around with me since 1974 more than once but of course it doesn’t have as much significance for them as it does me because they didn’t really know my Gramma Della Hoyt Fate.  It makes me sad to think that after I go (aka die) that memento and the memories connected to it  will be lost.  She told me I should write the story down so it would survive me.  So here it is.

This is a picture of the milkweed pod my Gramma, Della Fate kept in her bedroom, hanging on her mirror.  It was picked on the property my Grandfather owned on the day he asked her to marry him so let’s do some math here.    Grandmother was 80 years old when she died in 1974 so that means she was born June 13, 1984.  She was 22 years old when she married my Grandfather and if I remember correctly,  they had a fairly long engagement–at least a year.  Probably two.  So this milkweed pod is at least 96 years old. It hangs on a picture of some Victorian Ladies in my bedroom.

That potholder is an example of some of the fancy crochet work my grandmother used to do.  I really regret not keeping one of the high heeled slippers she made in the ’60s and stiffened with some kind of starch so they would stand up. She made a lot of them and gave them away as gifts to the ladies in her Bible Study and Prayer group.  They were really cute but not exactly something this budding hippy was interested in.  She also made a lot of doilies and stuff.  For a long, long time time I had a purple and lavender flowered towel with crocheted lavender borders that she made for me as a young teen.  Those were my favorite colors at the time.  Eventually the towel wore out and the crocheting disintegrated.

But my favorite were her rag rugs.  In the summer she would sit out on what she called the North porch  (it was enclosed and essentially served as an additional room on the house for three seasons) and rip old dresses and remnants of fabric into long strips which she then sewed together on her old treadle machine (which I have) and rolled into huge balls.  (The north porch led to her front door and the South porch led to her back door but I always found that confusing because I think the North porch faced east and the South porch faced North.  <shrug>)  Then in the winter she used a giant crochet hook and turned them into rag rugs.  I used to help her with rolling those strips of fabric into balls.  My favorite memories of my Gramma take place on that porch.  I even had my own rocking chair there.

Here’s Barbra Streisand singing my favorite song about memories.  I love this song.  I’d like it played at my memorial service.

Memories, light the corners of my mind/ Misty watercolor memories/ of the way we were. Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind/ smiles we give to one another/ for the way we were. Can it be that it was all so simple then/ or has time rewritten every line?

The Way We Were Lyrics  Barbara Streisand

It has already been a miserable cold and flu season here in the neighborhood, ladies and gentlemen.  I have been sick three times  with upper respiratory crud since I got my flu shot in October and fell and  twisted my knee for added insult and major pain.

I’m currently recovering from a cute little gem my brother imported from Nebraska when he came to visit.  Then his son got on an airplane in Chicago to Los Angeles to catch a connecting flight to Australia.  And got sick mid-flight.   This is how the flu gets around the world in three easy steps.

Well it isn’t really the flu because you aren’t in any danger of dying  You just think you might. And it doesn’t last that long thank the powers that be. I only lost two days of my life to drench the sheets fever burn and violent expulsions of bodily fluids.  Yesterday I had to ask my good neighbor David to take my dog, Igor out to do his duty.  Today I felt well enough to do it without moaning and groaning too much.

My brother complained of terrible indigestion and cramping in his bowels but I didn’t suffer any of that.  Or haven’t yet.  What I noticed most was  horrid fatigue but aside from cough drops and my regular NSAID pain medication augmented by Ibuprofen, I didn’t take anything for it.  I really need to get some theraflu in the house.  Mostly I just slept and tried to stay hydrated.  Not an easy task since anything that went in wanted to make a hasty exit.

I’ll apologize in advance for my part in releasing these Nebraksa germs into Wisconsin’s bioshpere if you succumb to this.

B

Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968), Speech at Civil Rights March on Washington, August 28, 1963

I am astonished that my last entry in this blog was almost a year ago. I got distracted by life and foruming about the presidential campaign over at Delphi which is my home away from home. I’m most active at The Poll Vault but I also lurk and occasionally at The Isle of Whack and Big Girl Pants. Most of the women at the latter two forums are my daughter’s age with young children but they are a hoot and I enjoy their interaction with one another.

The Poll Vault has a smaller but more mature crowd. OK, they would take issue with that. They’re not always mature! But they’re funny. Very funny. Let me restate that: The men and women who post there are more likely to be my age and share my interests. We had some lively and sometimes contentious conversations about the election.

But now the election is over and aside from telling the rabid fundamentalist conservatives that they need to “Get over it! Obama is our president. Deal!” there’s really not that much to talk about that gets my juices flowing anymore. At least not until the next forum war! (Ok, we really don’t have wars but things do get heated sometimes.) Since the crowd at The Vault definitely leans heavily towards the left so there aren’t that many rabid fundamentalist conservatives who need to be shot down. They seem to have crawled back under whatever rocks they slithered out from under. So, I have more time for blogging again and the desire to do so.

Speaking of Obama, how about that election? I didn’t expect it to resolve itself so early but it was exciting and gratifying to watch those states turn blue and realize that Obama COULD and WILL! I couldn’t be happier about the outcome and I enjoyed every minute of it of the campaign. I cried with joy November 4th. Several times.

The celebration here in my city was loud and joyous. I live 4 or 5 blocks from the Wisconsin Democratic Headquarters so I got the benefit of enjoying the chanting “USA! USA! USA!” “Yes we can!” and “Obama! Obama!” until 2 am. There must have been quite a crowd up on the Capitol Square because it was really loud. Louder than the annual Freak Fest over the Halloween weekend. I opted not to join the crowd because my back has been acting up but in retrospect, I wish I had gone and dealt with the pain.

I knew that Obama was going to be our president one day when I heard him speak at the DNC convention in 2004. I just didn’t expect it would happen THIS year. 2016 maybe. Frankly, I figured Clinton would get the nomination but I wasn’t sure she could win the election. I would have voted for her but not with the same enthusiasm I voted for Obama. I just don’t feel any affinity for Hillary even though I loved Bill in spite of all his foibles.

So I am beyond happy that Obama is our president elect and I look forward with hope and confidence to his administration in spite of all the challenges he faces. I honestly believe he will bring change. Hell, he already has. This was a historic election no matter who won but I’m so proud of my country. We’ve come a long ways from the day I stood in line to get small pox and polio vaccinations when I was four and wondered why all the little African-American children had a separate line on the other side of the room. I’m so glad Martin Luther King’s dream is coming true. He would have been proud too!

Peace,

B

Marquis de Flers Robert and Arman de Caillavet

Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination as their candidate for the POTUS.

Kucinich gives up on presidency, still running for rep

January 27, 2008
BY ASSOCIATED PRESS
Democrat Dennis Kucinich Friday abandoned his presidential bid to focus on a tough race for re-election to Congress.

Even though I knew he didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in today’s rainstorm, I still feel sad. Kucinich comes closest to representing every thing that is true and good to me about government. I’m a Progressive Democrat Socialist at heart.

I believe in capitalism but not unfettered capitalism. Pure capitalism leads to the excesses and abuses of the system that we have seen in recent years that can and has nearly ruined our economy and leaves the common man who really doesn’t stand a chance of attaining the American Dream vulnerable to the greed and avarice of the 20% of the population that controls the resources. Not only is this a gross injustice, it’s vulgar and dangerous.

I think things like the gas and electric and telephone services should be owned by the public, regulated by the government and managed by private companies. I believe that everyone in a country as rich as this country is should be guaranteed a living wage. McDonald’s should not be able to make insane profits off the backs of their franchise owners and line workers. I believe there should be a cap set on how much profit capitalists at the highest echelons can earn as personal income. CEOs should not be making million dollar bonuses while the men and women on the assembly lines or in the cubical farms are being laid off or losing benefits.

I believe that every man woman and child deserves basic health care in this country. I’m not talking about Cadillac health care. I’m talking about a child who needs well baby care and vaccinations in those first years of life that are so important in getting a child off to a good start in life. I’m talking about the kid who falls off the teeter totter and needs stitches in his head. I’m talking about a woman getting a pap smear and breast exam every year. I’m talking about the man who won’t go to the Doctor when he has a suspicious chest pain and dies of a heart attack because he doesn’t have health care insurance.

When the people at the lowest end of the spectrum of our economy find themselves so disenfranchised that they can not even attain a basic standard of living-a decent roof over their heads, healthy foods to feed their families, medical care, and participate equally in their culture, civil unrest is sure to follow. When the capitalists place profit ahead of the basic needs of their workers revolution can not be far behind.

B

Arthur Gingold
Friday I went shopping for a strapless brassiere. (Don’t you just want to pronounce that word “brass-ee-error” I love to write it out just so I can think “brass-ee-error.” OK, yeah, I’m weird. You better go find another blog to read.) OK, so I hate brassieres in the first place because I’ve never found one that REALLY fit (and yes I’ve gone through the torture of being fitted by professionals) but strapless ones are a special kind of torture. So why in hell am I BUYING one on purpose?

Because dear friends and neighbors, I am going to be in a one act play my costume is an off the shoulder evening gown that I really like everything about except that it’s OFF-THE-SHOULDER and could I please lose 25 pounds by next Friday? This gown is SOOOO not me. I’m all blue jeans and tie dye. It’s all satin and lace and crinoline foofoo-ishness but it’s the most gorgeous copper brown. A color I know I look drop dead gorgeous in.

Actually the script (by Gail Sterkel) is so not me. But because it isn’t me I think I will be able to camp it up the way they want us to without any problems. If only I don’t freeze and forget my lines! ACK! I just can’t seem to get the last page’s cues into my head. Once I know which line I’m supposed to be on, then I’m cool but damn, the cues just don’t click for me. It’s getting better. I’ve typed the last two pages out three times so I’ve almost got that whole part of the script memorized. Now if I won’t move my lips while other people say their lines. <heh>

I also bought make-up for the first time in at least ten years. I hope I remember how to use it. That stuff is expensive. Now I am going to have to find more excuses for wearing it. hmmmm… NOT. Maybe I will find someone who isn’t too picky about used make-up who will take it off my hands. The lipstick and powder I will use but that foundation crap no way.

I’m really starting to get excited. Only five days from today and I’ll be standing behind the footlights glammed up living a dream I’ve had for years! I missed rehearsal on Thursday because I was so sick with a 24 hour virus and I of all people needed that rehearsal. This week I will be hiding out from the germ-o-crats in this building who don’t have enough sense to stay home when they are sick even more than usual. Maybe I will do what I saw one girl doing and wear a face mask–I could make my own. I’m not sure whether she was trying to protect us or herself. Maybe that is being a little too paranoid but when you have an autoimmune disorder and get sick at the drop of a hat well…is there such a thing as too paranoid?

We are meeting at 5:45 at Meriter’s Maingate for a pre-rehearsal before the big all cast rehearsal. I’m going to make a trip over to the store and get some 3X5 cards and write my cues and lines on them to take along. Maybe since this skit is about a show within the show, I could even get away with having them on the “make-up table.” I’d feel safer. Maybe Pam and Wendy would feel safer too! <heh>

B

I’m in rehearsal for variety show The Fabulous Crone Show 2008: Supercrones. My skit is called The Antique Roadshow. It’s going to be fun.

I tried out for this on a lark. It was on my short list of things to do before I die—try out for a part in community theater. Not GET a part, just try out for it. <heh>  But you just KNOW I had to try out for a CRONE Show!  

I feel so honored to have been chosen to be part of this. I always wanted to act and here I am acting! Cool Beans!  I don’t have a clue about acting and there I am on stage with people who have been in the biz 27 years or more. YIKES!

They’re very kind about helping me improve but did you know that you aren’t actually supposed to talk to the people on stage? You pick someone in the back rows of the audience and talk to them. Rarely do you actually turn your body towards the person you are supposedly interacting with. Right now I am talking to a water fountain.

Here’s the information we were given regarding the show to pass on to friends and families.

The Fabulous Crone Show 2008: Supercrones!

The Crones are back – shorter, sweeter and just as much fun. Those brilliant, comical, thoughtful women who performed to sold-out audiences will present new acts for the new year. The Fabulous Crone Show 2008: Supercrones! is a variety show of women performers older than 50 directed by Jan Levine Thal and produced by Wendy Fern Hutton with a cast of 30.

Performances are Thursday-Sunday, Jan 31- Feb 3, 2008. — FOUR PERFORMANCES ONLY

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at 7:30, Meriter Main Gate, 333 W. Main (free parking across the street).

Sunday matinée, 2:00 pm, Madison Senior Center, 330 W. Mifflin (next to the Overture parking ramp).

This year the Crones will take reservations. The Fabulous Crone Show 2008: Supercrones! is two hours including intermission.

Make reservations 608-225-9664 and arrive early to assure seating. Tickets are already going fast. The show is still free (donations requested $5-$20).

More info at www.croneshow.com

Come and support all of us Crones Living in the Edge of Madness.

**Cross posted at Living In the Edge of Madness

In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known — no wonder, then, that I return the love.

Soren Kierkegaard (1813 – 1855)

I’ve been absent from this blog for quite awhile due to a variety of reasons/excuses. Amongst other things it was my PC going kerplunk again. One day shortly after Thanksgiving, I logged on and there was no internet connection log on and no way to create a new one without totally reinstalling the operating system.

Just in time to prevent me from placing my Christmas orders. sigh… It was obvious “the Gremlins” were back. Past experience with a situation such as this meant that even a re-installation wouldn’t even solve the problem so I didn’t even bother trying.

But never mind, the Senior Center has Internet Access and since I already knew what I wanted, it didn’t take long to get my order placed and paid for. neener, neener, neener! :^*~~~~ OK, that was childish but it felt good. ;^} Finding ways to work around the Gremlins gives me great pleasure. It’s like playing a game with naughty children.

Then one day I was bored so I decided to reload the operating system and see what happened. It worked. The PC is slow and weird things keep happening. I have to disconnect the internet connection every once in awhile because it just seems to get so clogged down I can’t use it and it just doesn’t function as well as it did before but at least I can get online and read at the the forums. Posting is iffy.

In the meanwhile I started sewing or crocheting while I was watching movies. (I love NetFlix!) More about that later) I made myself a dress and have a matching hat almost done. It’s sleeveless so I’ll needs something to wear over the top of it. The dress has a white background with red and purple flowers, green leaves and mustard butterflies with black accents so I have a lot of colors to choose from. Very retro 60s.

It’s long-below mid calf and an A-Line. It could be uses as a jumper with a blouse underneath and I might consider belting it with black if I wear a black shirt under it. I want to make to make a shrug jacket to wear with it since it’s sleeveless and there is no way I will wear a sleeveless dress even in the warmest weather since I’ll freeze or get a sunburn. I have some red knit and some lightweight mustard wool that matches. I’d love to get some purple. It would make for a very versatile outfit.

Then I started working on a flannel shirt and my sewing machine started acting up. The tension was all screwed up and for the life of me I could not get it fixed. Oh great… It turned out that the bobbin case had been unseated and the timing was off. Simple to fix if you know anything about sewing machines but how in hell did THAT happen? “The Gremlins” again? I don’t know but… Now I have to lock my machine up in the bedroom which is a PITA. <big heavy sigh…>

Then my TV remote disappeared. I’ve scoured the house for it. Turned everything upside down looking for it. There’s just me here to use it and I only sit in one chair when I watch TV. The remote usually gets put on the coffee table or maybe the TV. It’s just gone.

Then my DVD player went kerplunk—or so I thought. It’s an old DVD player handed down from my son-in-law to my son and now to me and half the functions don’t work so it didn’t surprise me it quit working. The problem was that there was a DVD from NetFlix stuck in there. So I had my son take a look at it to see if he could figure out a way to get it out when he came over to take me to get a new one. Lo and behold, the electrical cord in the back had been pulled partway out. I hadn’t moved the damn thing…

There’s more but I won’t bore you with it. Suffice it to say that it’s very tiresome and well, depressing. Things seemed to ramp up when I got Igor. Whenever I leave to take him for a walk, I wonder what will happen next. I worry when I leave him and Patches alone that someone will come in and try to hurt them.

Or maybe it’s been since I filed the restraining order against the suitor who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He hadn’t been on my list of suspects until that incident and the note but I’m still not sure he’s the one who wrote it. He said he didn’t but I wouldn’t cop to doing that either if I was him. Still, I don’t think he has the computer expertise to pull off what is happening with the PCs in this building.

Two more people have told me that they have viruses or trojans that they can’t get rid of with their regular anti-virus software. Damn but that sucks. It happens all too often in this building.

I’m depressed because somehow they managed to get past the $100.00 lock that was guaranteed to be pick proof. It wasn’t guaranteed to be pick pocket proof which is what I think happened. One day I took Igor out and when I came back I couldn’t find my keys. I retraced my steps but they were nowhere to be found so I came up to see if they were in the door just in case I had been foolish enough to do that.

I think my pocket got picked in the elevator but I’m not sure who did it. When I get another lock for this door I’ll have to wear the key around my neck like a precious jewel. <sheesh>

I found them in the lock on the bedroom door. That is not something I would EVER do, I unlock that lock, take off the hasp and relock the lock on the loop so that I have to have the keys in my hand to relock it. That’s to prevent me from locking the keys in the bedroom. But still I could have left them in the door and that pisses me off. I’m angry at myself because I wasn’t careful. If I had stopped to put on a pair of jeans so I could stick them in my jeans pocket rather than running around with them loose in my jacket pocket well… Jesus this sucks

If you are familiar with the movie Gaslight you might have some understanding of what has been happening to me for the past 4 years. FOUR years. I don’t exactly understand why although I have my suspicions. I’ve tried to catch them but everything I’ve tried, including hiding small cameras has failed. I’ve complained to the management and the police and even though they believe that there is something going on, they say there is nothing they can do until I have actually seen someone in my apartment. It’s so frustrating…

Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of war because this never lets up and I want to stay in the house to protect the things I have. And sometimes I get into that mindset and become very isolated. One of the reasons I got Igor was to force myself out of the house. I refuse to sit here paralyzed by fear that some poor sick sociopath is going to invade my space and mess with my stuff, I have to remind myself: IT’S JUST STUFF! ALL OF IT!

Sure there are memories attached to some of the things they have taken–my grandson’s pictures. But you know what? They can’t steal the memories I have of him at those ages. IT’S JUST STUFF! If it makes you feel important to take it, please, help yourself. IT’s JUST STUFF!

People who place so much priority on stuff that they’ll lose their perspective when it gets destroyed or stolen have fucked up priorities in my opinion. STUFF can be replaced or like the rose that got destroyed tonight. Big deal. It was a pretty rose. But I was just thinking the other day that it was getting old and scruffy looking. Time to toss that nasty old thing.

I haven’t given up and even though I get a little depressed sometimes—especially around Christmas which is always a hard time for me anyway. They are not going to win this war. Sometimes it’s hard to sort out how much of the depression belongs to the stress from dealing with “the Gremlins” and how much is just old shit. Sometimes “the Gremlins” trigger old shit.

I found a card at the Community Pharmacy that says “Your Mind Is Burglar-Proof.” I put it up on my bulletin board to remind myself that NO ONE can control how I think, feel, or react. “The Gremlins” whoever they are are probably just sick twisted people who need to do stupid shitty things to people in order to feel like THEY matter and have meaning. What a pity. If truth be known I feel sad for them. What horrible things happened to them that they feel like they need to do things like this to get even in life?

Still, I get depressed when I think I have managed to repel their invasion into my life and once again they foil all of my efforts. I feel helpless sometimes and then the depression takes over. Depression has been something of a fixture in my life. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t been at least a little depressed. Sometimes I retreat into it, that familiar dark place where I let life happen while I watch. Sometimes I trun away into the darkness and refuse to watch. I turn into the darkness and wait, hoping for an end to the pain–death or the light that eventually comes if I wait long enough for the pills to do their thing.

In general, any depression associated with the Gremlins is short-lived because I remember that that MY MIND IS BURGLAR-PROOF and what they are doing is mostly just irritating. Like mosquitoe or fly that keeps buzzing around your ear and won’t go away no matter how much you flap at it. If you ignore it it gets bored and goes off to find someone else to bug eventually.

B

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