Just Meandering

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal
that is struck with the difference between what things are and what
they ought to be.

– William Hazlitt

Gosh, it was a beautiful day today. Bright blue October skies and crisp fall air the way only Wisconsin can make a blue sky in September and October. As I walked Igor down to the dog park late this afternoon, shuffling through the leaves that had been falling all day, I was transported back in time to another day with another dog.

The only thing that was missing was the smell of leaves burning. Well, that and Gram’s apple butter simmering on the back burner, turning into a tasty sludge that I would happily slather onto her home made bread in the winter.

My friend Kathleen and I walked Igor up to the Capitol Square tonight for the last potty run of the evening and enjoyed the relatively warm temperatures and the waning Hunter’s moon over the shoulder of Lady Forward. You could definitely see the face of the “Old Man In the Moon” tonight.

I did four loads of laundry so I definitely got my exercise in for the day. I stopped in at the chiropractor,Aaron Abplanalp,who has set up in the Metro politan Place retail space as Life City and asked if he accepted medicare and medical assistance. He does so I made an appointment. He’s awfully young but then anyone my son’s age and younger seems awfully young and my son is almost 37.

I feel a bit guilty about taking business away from the chiropractor I have been going to but this guy is just around the corner and it would be so easy to pop in to see him. So if he’s any good, I’m going to switch because I know I would get to him more regularly.

Patches is still residing on the dresser but she is getting braver about the dog. Boy if she had claws, he’s have a very sore snout! She has walloped him hard enough to hurt a couple of times so he backs off when she gets that dainty little paw into position. I wish she’d come back to bed with me. I miss the nightly interaction we had with her massage and the purring.

B

Olly, Olly, Olly Ox in Free

The process of learning requires not only hearing and applying but also forgetting and then remembering again.

John Gray, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

OK, I’m going to have to break down and admit to being totally frustrated and peeved as hell. I want to move my Blogs over to BlueHost and have already purchased their two year plan for a fat fee I might add. I’ve been trying to comprehend the whole FTP/Linux/Webalizer thing ever since.

I’ve got the WordPress foundation set up but haven’t figured out how to get my preferred templates over there. I’m having one heck of a time getting my particular distribution of Linux to accept and configure an FTP program properly but I don’t think that would matter much since I’m really not sure what the hell to do with it once I get it, drat it anyway!

What is so frustrating is that I used to FTP all the time. I used to know how to do this stuff. I recognize the basic program structure of Filezilla as being similar to Cute and whatever the heck was the name of the program I used before I used Cute back in the dark ages.

Although I knew how to do it on Windows it can’t be all that much different on Linux especially since the Linux distribution I am using is so similar to Windows you could call it Windows Super-Charged. Especially now that Xandros and Microsoft have agreed to a partnership deal of some sort. I don’t understand exactly what that means but Linux purists are having huge gastric disturbances about the whole deal.

Anyway, my Cronish pride is hurt because I have to admit defeat, humble myself, and go seek help. I’m also worried that after weeks of fiddling around with this, something didn’t click so that I found a way to retrieve the information I know is locked up inside my head. Damnit all, anyway!  I’m finding out more and more all the time, that there are things I know I used to do all the time and did it well, things that look vauguely familiar that I just can’t quite figure out how to do anymore.

It scares me when I can’t get from A to B no matter which route I take. I used to get lost driving once in awhile because I would get scared I was going to have an accident on the heavily traveled main arteries so I’d drive on the back roads.   Sometimes I couldn’t find my way home.

B

Fickle Weather In Wisconsin

I should be in bed but I took a 3 hour nap this after noon and I sort of doubt I will be able to get to sleep. Especially since I drank 2 coups of coffee. <derr>

I was in so much pain when I woke up this afternoon I could not believe it. <Ouch omigawd Ouch> I finally got up and took a skelaxin. I don’t like to take those if I don’t have to. They aren’t addictive perse but as with any medication you can become dependent on them and tolerant to their effects. I don’t want to use up my tolerance factors. :^/

I turned on the radio and found out why I hurt so bad. I meant to go to ZuZus for open mic this evening but there was a tornado watch. In October! That’s awfully late in the year.

That means the barometric pressure was either high or low. I forget which way the mercury runs when a storm system is coming through. I think it’s high but won’t swear to it. Whichever it is, it has a tendency to give people with rheumatological disorders conniptions. All their connective tissues start swelling up and aching. I wish I had a cigarette.

Since I don’t know how the dog would react during a storm I decided I better stay home. Damnit. It would not be good to go off and have a bad storm hit and the dog get scared out of his wits and make a mess. There was no storm, the dog didn’t get scared and he didn’t make a mess. However, Patches has thrown up every time she has eaten since Monday night.

She has come out from under the desk though. She is sitting on the dresser watching the dog watching her. He wants to play. She wants him to get off of her bed and vacate the premises. They are adjusting to each other. I like having a dog.

The Vet recommended a Gentle Leader Headcollar to help train him to walk at a heel and keep control of him on busy city streets. Pure magic! It was an instant success. He is walking at a heel now and not pulling my arm out of the socket. He doesn’t like it because it takes the control away from him but we’re both much safer with it.

I think tomorrow I will have to pull the alpha dog bit on him because he has settled down and started trying to run the show. Not in a totally obnoxious way just sort of being obstinate and rebelling when he doesn’t want to do something. He’s not very treat motivated either.

I hope the tornado watch means that a warm front has moved in.  I would like very much to take Igor and go for a walk along the lake tomorrow–up towards Picnic point.

B

Muse-o-pause?

OK, rhetorical question here but why is it that the muse seems to go on strike periodically and then she comes back all refreshed and you can’t keep up with the ideas she is pouring into your head? Or is it just me and I’m getting manic? Because you know, if I’m getting manic, I should really rethink weaning myself off of my seizure medication.

Right? Right.

Damn but I hate it that I am more creative when I’m sick and that to stay healthy I have to kill the creative “genius” in me. (yeah right Barbara, grandiose much?)

I think I need to take my emotional temperature. Mood check:

Symptoms of Mania

1) Insomnia or brief periods of sleep check
2) Pressured speech hmmm..maybe
3) Increased physical activity not really (lazy)
4) Decreased appetite yeah, sorta but bring on the chocolates and mashed taters and I’m so there!
5) Grandiosity Oh hell yeah it’s a family trait! I carry it in my jeans.
6) Excessive and obsessive writing By whose standards?

Maybe it’s menopause FINALLY. I mean, three years ago they told me I was still ovulating and I was like OMIGAWD am I glad I had that hysterectomy in ‘96. Can you imagine having an “accident when you are 50effing2 years old? Holy hell.

I don’t believe in abortion. I mean, I believe in choice and all because it ain’t my right to decide another woman’s moral/ethical whatever you want to call it choices but me personally? Nope, I couldn’t. Not unless they told me the eventual child would be seriously deformed and would not have a decent quality of life. That would not include Downs syndrome.

Anyway the past few days I have been having what could be but I don’t really know for sure hot flashes. I mean it seems to me that someone who is generally cold unless it is right around 80* who suddenly gets so damn hot she is stripping down to bare nekkid in nano seconds and then in oh a half hour or so gets all shivery might be said to be having hot flashes but what the hell do I know? I’m taking a “What the hell? Oh well…we’ll wait this out and see what happens.” attitude

If this is what hot flashes are, they’re downright funny in private. I’ve been waiting a long time to be warm in my own skin in Wisconsin.  Its a pity I don’t have anyone around to enjoy these manic strip tease moments.

In public notsomuch.

B

Can You See My Eyes? Gimme That Hair!

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer hair
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddyHair, hair, hair, hair
Grow it, show it
Long as I can grow it
My hair

The Cowsills

I have fairly long hair–long enough that when I sit down it catches against the back of the chair and annoys me. Unfortunately, I am beginning to experience the family curse. Alopecia Areata. In other words, I’m balding. I started out with incredibly thick hair so its taking awhile.

I’ll admit it. I’m vain about my hair. I think it has always been my best feature. It’s a medium auburn, it’s shiny, and it has a lot of natural body. If it wasn’t so thick and heavy it would be curly and was when I was a little girl. I love my hair. Yup, I’m pretty attached to it.

I’ve been wearing my hair parted(going north you might say) so last night, I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my teeth minding my own business when a wild hair (all puns intended) struck me. Bangs would look nice. Before I could stop myself, I had a pair of scissors in my hands and I was snipping away. Voi`la Bangs!

I hope I don’t regret this. My favorite way to wear my hair is up in a french twist and it would do this really cool swoopy thing before I cut the bangs. I’m guessing I won’t get the swoopy thing anymore. But I’m not cursed with a forehead you could land a 747 on anymore either. <heh>

I think I like them. I washed my hair this morning and fiddled with them a bit and it’s going to be a lot easier to keep my hair out of my face without using lots of product on it. That’s a good thing as Martha would say.

I wonder what my daughter will say. She’s the beautician of the family. She’ll probably be peeved I didn’t wait and let her do the honors. Ohhh well. I need the ends trimmed and I’ll let her chop a couple of inces off.  I quit “covering up the gray” so there’s some dyed stuff that doesn’t really match.  I’m going to be a lovely silver when it all turns.

My daughter wants me to get it cut short. She thinks I’m too old for long hair and she could give me a really cute cut that would be much more flattering. I tell her I’m doing the Tyne Daly thing and MYOB. My daughter wishes I was a more sterotypical suburban Grandma type Mom. She doesn’t appreciate my free spirit radical hippie style. Whatever.

Hopefully my hair loss will continue to be gradual and I won’t end up going whole hog with Areata Universalis which is complete and total hair loss over your total body. Yeah, even down there. The good news is you don’t have to shave your legs anymore. The bad news is that you have to paint on your eyebrows and use false eyelashes. Wigs are optional since Sinead O’Connor.

I hear through the family grapevine that my Aunt Kathy Jo who is the same age as I am woke up to find her beautiful blonde hair in bed with her one morning. It stayed there while she went to breakfast which is exactly what happened to her mother,, my Grandmother. I suspect she hit menopause and that was the triggering event.

I am still peri-menopause I think–I have had a hysterectomy so I don’t know. However, I haven’t had any of the typical symptoms until just recently, maybe. The last few days I have had what might be hot flashes and Iexperienced night sweats two nights in a row. Maybe I’m finally THERE. At 55 it’s about time.

Imagine, I could have conceived a child up to this point or that’s what they told me three years ago when they did a hormone study–USE BIRTH CONTROL. I think a hysterctomy that removes the cervix is a pretty good form of birth control don’t you?

My Grandmother and all of her brothers and sisters had Areata Universalis. It was pretty bizaare. They also had a mottling loss of skin pigmentation which I have but not nearly to that degree. I AM very fair skinned. It may have been this condition: Vitiligo.

All that to say I have a new ‘do. I like it.

If I go bald I’m getting a tattoo on my scalp. I’d love to get it tattooed all over with fake curls in multi-colors but that’s out of my budget. Dunno what yet. Maybe “Naturally Bald and Proud of It“

B

Gotta Have Another Cigarette!

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette
Puff, puff, puff until you smoke yourself to death. Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate
That you hate to make him wait,
But you just gotta have another cigarette.

Merle Travis for Tex Williams 1947

Boy, you take a couple weeks off from house work in a construction zone and things sure go to hell in a big way. You would not believe the dust and grime all over everything. I’ve been cleaing but as soon as I get it cleaned up it’s dirty again it seems! YUCK!

I’m still in my OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) phase of moving furniture around albeit in a much slower mode than would have taken place at an earlier point in my life. Getting old and decrepit is sure discouraging. Today I decided that the bookcase had to come live in the bedroom with the desk and we’d (me and the mice in my pockets plus Patches, the cat, and the books and one of my spider plants) all be much happier.

I got it moved but I still haven’t got the bedroom floor vacuumed and the popcorn I spilled two days ago is going to become a permanent part of the decor if I don’t get at it ASAP. I still don’t know what to do with the milk carton of computer books. :^? This room just isn’t big enough to accommodate it. I need a bigger bookcase. They are on sale at Shopko but I don’t have the funds. Bummer. Plus where in heck is the printer going to go?

Sitting here at the computer, I am procrastinating getting at the rest of the housework and/or sitting down at my sewing machine and finishing that dress I started a month ago. I washed 3/4 of the dishes this morning before I had my coffee but the pans are still sitting there and I’m just not motivated. I finally got that invisible zipper in right last weekend and now I have to figure out what in heck they are doing with the pockets. This is a strange pattern. More complicated than it looks and I’m not used to reading pattern speak anymore.

A couple of days ago I was prompted to do something physical by the intellectual stimulation of the first chapter of Weston’s book. I needed to digest what I had read so I scrubbed the kitchen floor. My gawd, the filth on that tiny few square feet–I’d guess it’s maybe 5′X6 or 7′. The grit and grime thrown up by the construction on the street is just incredible. My keyboard is literally gritty and I’ve cleaned it several times.

To think I’m breathing this crap. Ugh… My throat is more irritated than usual this time of year what with ragweed in bloom and the molds that are inevitable when we have lots of rain and humidity. Plus there are some kind of trees that I’m allergic to that are pollinating and the grasses. I forget which ones. I had those allergy tests so long ago. Post nasal drip and the gunky crap that I wake up every morning and hack up is gross.

But it’s not as bad as it was when I was smoking. I was allergic to tobacco, too. But that didn’t stop me from smoking, addict that I was. I need to be honest here. I occasionally have a cigarette with friends. I buy them for 50 cents apiece. I like smoking. It’s a pleasurable way to relax for me. But I notice with the Chantix that I don’t get the nicotine kick from it. Which is good. I wish I could find a non-nicotine smoke that I enjoyed besides whacky tobaccy. Maybe I should try cloves.

Thank gawd for Chantix. I don’t think I could have managed to quit as easily as I have without it. I don’t go roaming the halls looking for someone to buy a cigarette from with a gotta have it need. I should just say NO MORE. I worry what I will do when I have to go off of the medication although I have been weaning myself off already and don’t have any cravings to smoke most of the time.

Sometimes I do. When I get frustrated over some piddling little thing like not being able to get that zipper in but then I’ll go and do something else and the urge passes without any great crisis and I’m fine. I can live without cigarettes. The true test will be a big emotional crisis. That’s where I’ve always fallen back on the cigarettes. I need to have a plan in place for that eventuality. Ben and Jerry’s and a hypnosis tape might help. A phone call to my best friend. Writing. Those are all good substitutes.

I’m proud of myself for having come this far. I’ve gone two or three weeks at a time without those social cigarettes so I know I don’t need them. They’re like chocolate to someone on a diet. I cheat. I flirt with addicition knowing that I’m only a pack away from being a full-fledged smoker again. It’s silly really.

B